Self-love
I"m guessing that there are people out there who have, and have always had, a clear understanding of what that concept means. But it took me a while, and a lot of frustration, before I even had a clue.After my separation, I went through many years....actually what felt like an eternity of very challenging times and experiences. During that period, well meaning therapists and friends would tell me that I needed to learn to "Love myself". I'm sure they meant well, but at the time, hearing those words made me want to punch someone. I had no idea what the hell that meant!!! Ok...Cute...I thought! I need to love myself?? How in the hell do I do that??
The most relevant reference I had to the idea of "Love" at the time, were very strong feelings I had for a particular individual. Truth be told, I was involved in a very dysfunctional relationship with someone who was treating me like crap and I was allowing it. Looking back, I now know that I was behaving like a co-dependent junky. But, that's kinda what I thought love was. A feeling of not being able to live without someone. It was needing someone and not feeling whole or complete without them. How did I make sense of that in relation to what it meant to "love myself"?
During my quest for answers, I met an individual, who specialized in the area of co-dependancy and relationships. He pointed out to what extent love songs, encouraged this longing for this type of "love" and how misleading that actually was. (google co-dependant love songs...there are lists of them out there) That kinda resonated with me and I started to seriously question my idea of intimate relationships and how that influenced my beliefs around the concepts of love and self-love.
Then I found this book....
I know, terrible cover isn't it...but it makes a point!! Reading it, started to shift my understanding of the importance and definition of self-love. Part of my process, was understanding what "love" was in the first place. I had often heard or read, that love is a verb, not a noun and not necessarily a feeling. That seemed very relevant to me but I wasn't sure that I truly understood it.
I distinctly remember a defining moment, when I had an epiphany about just what loving myself would look like.
I had been feeling disrespected by a certain individual in my life and anger and resentment were starting to set in. I was debating how to handle it. Should I talk to this person or just let it go? That was when the relationship between self-respect and self-love became crystal clear to me. I knew then that allowing others to disrespect me was a huge act of self-betrayal and it became quite apparent that self-betrayal was not at all in alignment with the concept of "Self-love".
I think I had heard the phrase "Turn the other cheek" one time too many in my catholic upbringing. I had come to believe that the honourable and right thing to do when someone hurt you was to "turn the other cheek". I'm sure I misunderstood what this phrase actually means.
It became evident to me, that had a responsibility to myself NOT to allow others to disrespect me. If my child was being bullied, I would defend him. If a friend was being talked down to or disrespected in any way I would have her back. So why was I not doing that for myself? From that point on, setting boundaries for myself, and asserting my right to being respected became not some selfish request but an act of self-love and self-respect that I hold myself accountable for.
When I look back at my journey towards understanding self-love, I am sometimes embarrassed by the mistakes I have made and how confused I was. The road to discovering what self-love is, was not a straight one and I continue on my journey. But I now know, that self-respect and expecting to be respected are essential parts of the equation.
Create an awesome day!
Joanne
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